Channel Surfing
by Nightstalker1
Summary: What happens when all of the seishi are zapped into a TV and Nuriko controls the remote? A motherload of TV parodies!
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, no matter how much I dream. They belong to the goddess Watase Yuu herself. I also don't own any of the TV skits or movie parodies being used, which I will list at the end because there are a lot of them and I don't want to delay anyone from reading the fic. Some of the dialogue from this fic comes directly from the movies and music videos being used. I don't claim to own any of the lines from the stuff I directly parody. I'm also not making any money from this story. The only thing I've gotten from this fic is a side stitch from laughing.  
  
Author's Notes: Behold, my first (posted) fic! Please be kind and leave a review so I can improve my writing. Constructive criticism is welcome, but flames will simply be used to burn my Zoology lab book. This fic is rated PG13 due to some implied sex, language (which is beeped out in one scene) and disturbing behavior displayed by the characters. The only spoilers in this are who died during the series and who lived, and the very end of OVA II…I think. Warning: this entire fic is composed of crossovers with multiple American movies, TV shows, and music videos.  
  
I apologize in advance for the sheer insanity of this fic. Most of the scenes were written as I struggled to remain conscious in my high school physics and calculus classes and were typed and edited sometime between one and three AM. I also apologize for the fact that this fic was written almost two years ago and some of the stuff being parodied is no longer as popular as it once was. Sorry. As you read, think of it as a stroll down memory lane. Also, if any show/movie/music video that I parodied is a personal favorite of yours and you find it offensive, I'm sorry. I like a lot of this stuff too and thought it would be funny to parody. If you get offended, remember that it's all in good fun.  
  
1  
  
2 Channel Surfing  
  
"What's going on?" Tamahome asked.  
  
One minute he and Miaka were on a date in the real world, and the next thing they knew, they were outside Taiitskun's palace. The other Suzaku sichiseishi, both dead and alive, were also there. Nuriko, Hotohori, Mitsukake, and Chiriko were all flesh and blood again.  
  
The haggard creator, Taiitskun, suddenly appeared and scared the living daylights out of everybody. "Oh get over it already," she grumbled. "I wanted to reward all of the seishi that were involved in everything that occurred from the moment Miaka entered this world for the first time to the downfall of Tenkou."  
  
Everyone just stared at her blankly. Since when did Taiitskun ever "reward" anyone? After a few moments, Chichiri decided to speak.  
  
"Who are you and what have you done with the real Taiitskun no da?"  
  
Taiitskun pulled a large mallet out of nowhere and promptly whacked the monk on the head. Chichiri crashed to the ground with chibi Suzakus fluttering around his head. Meanwhile, the other seishi were trying to sneak away without being noticed. Of course, no one dead or alive could ever escape from Taiitskun. The creator waved her hand and instantly transported Miaka and the Suzaku sichiseishi inside of her palace.  
  
"What the hell are they doing here?"  
  
The Suzaku shichiseishi looked up and immediately screamed. Standing over them were Yui and the Seiryu sichiseishi, all of whom had real bodies again. Off in one corner were the two Genbu seishi, Hikitsu and Tomite, and the Byakko seishi Tatara, Tokaki, and Subaru. The Suzaku sichiseishi screamed again. Suddenly, Taiitskun and an army of Nyan-Nyans appeared. This time, everybody screamed.  
  
"Anyone who doesn't stop screaming right now is going to spend the rest of eternity in the body of a Nyan-Nyan!" Taiitskun bellowed.  
  
The room immediately became silent.  
  
The creator continued. "That's better. Now then, as I was explaining earlier, I want to reward all of you for your hard work."  
  
Taiitskun waved her hand and one wall of the palace transformed into a giant black screen. "This is and item from the Mikos' world called a television. Miaka and Yui can explain it to you later. I've cast a spell on this television so that every channel will show a different movie or American TV show."  
  
"Why American?" asked Yui.  
  
Taiitskun paused, trying to think of a good excuse. "It's because I said so. This should keep all of you amused for a couple of days so that I can get some work done in peace. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There's about seventy-five gallons of beverages, thirty-eight pounds of snack food, and about two hundred pounds of popcorn in the next room. Go and  
  
Seeing as how he didn't have much of a choice, Nuriko grumbled and walked into the next room. Meanwhile, Miaka made a dive for the remote and began to channel surf. She stopped on a mushy chick flick and watched with starry eyes.  
  
"Boooring!" Tasuki groaned and grabbed for the remote.  
  
"No way, Tasuki!" Tokaki pounced on the bandit. "You'll just watch something with mindless violence. Let's watch some porn!"  
  
"I want to see something educational!" Chiriko cried.  
  
"I want to watch a musical!" called Amiboshi.  
  
"You would, Aniki," Suboshi yelled as visions of him and Yui holding hands while watching a romantic movie danced in his head.  
  
In no time, everyone was trying to get the remote. Let's avoid the graphic details and just say that it was really ugly. As the ultimate seishi death match continued, Suzaku, Seiryu, Byakko, and Genbu walked into the room. Seiryu was furious as he yelled at Suzaku.  
  
"You're seishi always get all the good luck! Mine are all dead! And why the hell did you let that gluttonous miko of yours seal me away?"  
  
Suzaku shrugged indifferently. "It's not my fault that you did a lousy job of protecting your seishi, lizard-boy. Besides, Genbu's seishi are all dead and you don't see him crying about it."  
  
"Could you guys please leave me out of this?" Genbu muttered as he hid behind Byakko.  
  
"Yeah, but his are all being reborn now! I have to wait another two hundred years before I'm summoned again, chicken butt!" Seiryu roared.  
  
Suzaku's eyes narrowed. "I have to wait too, but at least I don't have a bug up my ass about it you overgrown, hairy, nightcrawler!"  
  
"That's it!"  
  
Suzaku and Seiryu started to chase each other all over the room, firing ki blasts. In the background, Genbu shrank behind Byakko a little more.  
  
"Save me, Byakko," Genbu whimpered.  
  
"Shut up you wimpy little snake bonker!"  
  
"Hey! The snake and I are just friends!"  
  
Byakko and Genbu soon joined Suzaku and Seiryu in ki blasting each other. As the battle went on, one of Seiryu's blasts went wide and hit the remote that everyone was fighting over. The room filled with a blue light that surrounded all of the fighting seishi. When the blue light abruptly disappeared, so did the seishi. The four gods stood there in complete shock.  
  
"Oh shit," muttered Suzaku.  
  
"Taiitskun's not gonna like this," Seiryu grumbled.  
  
"We are soooooo dead," Byakko groaned.  
  
"Huh?" Genbu replied with a blank look on his face.  
  
"What the Hell happened here!?" Taiitskun bellowed.  
  
Suzaku, Seiryu, and Byakko immediately pointed at a very bewildered Genbu.  
  
"Genbu did it!" the three gods answered in unison.  
  
Taiitskun grabbed Genbu by the ear and dragged him away while calling for Nyan-Nyan reinforcements. The three remaining gods exchanged worried looks before bolting in the opposite direction. If Taiitskun found out what really happened, they didn't want to find out what having a Nyan-Nyan's body would be like.  
  
When everyone was gone, Nuriko came into the room. His arms were loaded with high cholesterol snacks and drinks. He dropped everything on the floor and looked around. Where did everyone go?  
  
"Oh well," he shrugged with a smile. "I guess that means more snacks for me."  
  
Nuriko sat down, picked up the remote, and began to channel surf. As he flipped through the unlimited channels, Regis Philbin appeared on the screen in one of many designer ties. "Let's play 'Who Wants to Be A Millionaire'!"  
  
"Hey," Nuriko smiled and set down the remote. "This looks promising." 


	2. Let the Surfing Begin!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
  
Chapter1: Let the Surfing Begin  
  
**********  
  
Regis Philbin smiled brightly. "All right, welcome back. We have Chiriko from Konan here tonight. He's already won five hundred thousand without using any of his lifelines. Let's see if he can win a million dollars!"  
  
Adrenaline pumping music filled the studio as the lights dimmed. Two bright spotlights shone down on Chiriko and Regis. Chiriko didn't look the least bit nervous. He actually looked very calm and confident in the hot seat.  
  
"All right, Chiriko, you are one away from the million. Here we go! What was the name given to the time when religious radicals persecuted those of different religions? Was it A) The Spanish Inquisition, B) The Catholic Inquisition, C) The German Inquisition, or D) The Buddhist Inquisition?"  
  
Chiriko smiled confidently. "That's easy! I don't need to use any of my lifelines for that one! It was the Spanish Inquisition! That's my final answer, Regis!"  
  
Regis paused long enough for Chiriko to start sweating nervously before answering. "I'm sorry but the correct answer was 'The Buddhist Inquisition'."  
  
"Nani! That's impossible!" Chiriko wailed as Regis handed him a check for thirty-two thousand dollars. "It's not fair! I didn't expect that there was a Buddhist Inquisition!"  
  
There was a large crash as Chichiri, Miboshi, and Tatara burst through the studio wall. Tatara and Miboshi were in bright scarlet Buddhist monk robes, while Chichiri was in a flamboyant red version of his normal clothes. Chichiri spoke very fast with a terrible Spanish accent.  
  
"Noooooobody expects the Buddhist Inquisition no da! Our weapon is surprise, surprise and fear no da! Fear and surprise-our two weapons are fear and surprise and a ruthless efficiency no da! Wait! Our three weapons are fear and surprise and a ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the four gods no da! Ack! Amongst our weapons are fear, surprise, ruth…Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, sur- hang on no da. I'll come in again no da. Say that line again, Chiriko."  
  
Chiriko rolled his eyes and spoke his line again. "I didn't expect a Buddhist Inquisition."  
  
Chichiri burst into the studio again. "Nnnnnnnooooooobody expects the Buddhist Inquisition no da! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, a ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the four gods, and very fashionable red robes-ARG! It's no good, I'm sorry no da. Cardinal Miboshi, you'll have to say it no da."  
  
"Say what?" the demonic baby-monk-child-thing asked.  
  
"You have to say 'our chief weapons are…' no da."  
  
"Oh, OK. Chiriko, start over."  
  
Chiriko looked up briefly from a very thick book on the Spanish Inquisition and repeated his line without the slightest trace of enthusiasm. "I didn't expect a Buddhist Inquisition."  
  
Miboshi floated back into the studio through the hole Chichiri created. He stuttered since he couldn't quite remember the lines. "Uh…nobody…um…"  
  
"Expects," Chichiri hinted in a low voice.  
  
"Expects," Miboshi repeated. "Nobody expects the…uh…Buddhist…"  
  
"Inquisition."  
  
"Nobody expects the Buddhist inquisition. In fact, those who do-"  
  
"Our chief weapon is," Chichiri interrupted.  
  
"Our chief weapon is…um…"  
  
"Surprise,"  
  
"Surprise and…"  
  
"Stop, stop, stop that no da!" Chichiri interrupted again. "All right, all right no da! Our chief weapon is surprise blahblahblahblahblah. Now, Cardinal Tatara, read the charges."  
  
Tatara pulled out a scroll and began to read. "At the sound of the tone, the time will be-"  
  
Click  
  
"It'll never be a hit," Nuriko grumbled as he flipped to the next channel.  
  
**********  
  
Tamahome and young Tokaki stood facing each other in an ancient looking dojo. Tamahome was wearing a white kung fu uniform while Tokaki wore an identical uniform in black.  
  
Tokaki gestured to the dojo with his hand. "This is a sparring program, similar to the programmed reality of the Matrix. It has the same basic rules; rules like gravity. What you must learn is that these rules are no different than those from a computer system. Some can be bent, others can be broken. Do you understand?"  
  
"Do you?" Tamahome asked. "For crying out loud, how the heck do you know about computers? You've lived in ancient China all your life. I barely understand those things."  
  
"Shut up," Tokaki hissed through his teeth before raising his voice. "Than try to hit me. If you can."  
  
Tamahome shrugged and launched himself at Tokaki. The Byakko seishi teleported out of the way and kicked his student in the back. Tamahome whirled around and the two of them began to grapple furiously.  
  
Tokaki pulled away. "Good. Adaptation, improvisation. But, your weakness is not your technique."  
  
Tamahome went after Tokaki again. The two exchanged kicks and punches, but nothing connected with either of them. Tamahome jumped off one of the dojo's pillars and backflipped over his sensei's head. He landed gracefully, only to be kicked through another pillar by Tokaki. Tamahome pulled himself into a sitting position and caught his breath.  
  
"How did I beat you?" Tokaki asked.  
  
"Isn't it obvious?" Tamahome growled. "It's because you're supposed to be the almighty master and I'm the idiot student. That's our characters baka! You're supposed to be faster than me even if you are over a hundred years old."  
  
"Do you believe that my being stronger or faster or older has anything to do with my muscles in this place?" He watched Tamahome shake his head. "You think that's air your breathing now?"  
  
"Why would I care about breathing air? Geeze, first I find out that I'm a character in a book, and then I think I'm just a copy of the original Tamahome, and now I'm just a slave to a computer. I'm having a serious identity crisis here!" Tamahome began to sob dramatically.  
  
"Again!" Tokaki bellowed.  
  
The two began to grapple again. Tokaki kicked Tamahome in the chest and the Suzaku seishi went down again.  
  
"What are you waiting for? You're faster than this. Don't think you are. Know you are."  
  
Tokaki raised his hand and beckoned for Tamahome to attack again. Tamahome grumbled something nasty about his incompetent sensei before engaging the Byakko seishi in battle once more. As they fought, Tokaki called out.  
  
"Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me!"  
  
Tamahome's symbol flared to life. The Suzaku seishi concentrated and sent a ki blast right at the unsuspecting Tokaki. The Byakko seishi went flying through the roof and disappeared over the horizon.  
  
"Well," Tamahome shrugged. "You said you wanted me to hit you. You didn't say how."  
  
1.1  
  
1.2 Click  
  
Nuriko sighed. "Next!"  
  
**********  
  
A montage of black and white pictures appeared on the screen. Each picture was of one of the Seiryu seishi and an old townhouse in the middle of Tokyo.  
  
Yui's voice could be heard over the background music. "This is the story of seven Seiryu seishi forced to live in a house and have their lives taped. This is the 'Real World'."  
  
The scene opened up inside the house. Amiboshi yawned as he entered the kitchen. Ashitare was already there eating out of a plastic doggy dish. Amiboshi reached for the coffeepot and was about to pour himself a cup when he felt Ashitare rub against his leg affectionately. The blonde couldn't help but smile as he searched the cabinets for some doggy treats. When he found the box, both he and the wolf man were disappointed to see that it was empty.  
  
"Suboshi!" he called down the hall. "We're out of dog biscuits for Ashitare. Could you pick some up?"  
  
"Sorry, Aniki!" Suboshi called back. "I'm still waiting for Tomo to finish putting on his makeup!"  
  
The camera zoomed down the hall to where Suboshi was pounding on the bathroom door and cursing at the top of his lungs. "Tomo you beep! How long are you gonna be in there!? Some of us have to beeping go!"  
  
Tomo emerged from the bathroom with a scowl on his face. "beep off, kid. Unlike you, I actually give a beep about how I look in the morning."  
  
"Oh, give it up. We all know that Nakago doesn't give a beep about gay guys like you."  
  
Tomo smirked. "You would be surprised, boy. Nakago-sama can be very pleasing to any gender."  
  
"Ne, Tomo?" Amiboshi called down the hall. "Could you pick up some dog biscuits?"  
  
"Sorry, flute boy, but I have other plans this morning."  
  
Suddenly, a feminine voice echoed throughout the house, rattling the broken windows. "MIBOSHI YOUBEEP! WHAT THE BEEP DID YOU DO TO MY MAKEUP!?"  
  
Tomo's eyes lit up. "If she's in the other bathroom, then that means Nakago- sama is all alone." Without another word, the painted seishi bolted down the hall to Nakago's room and slammed the door behind him.  
  
The camera zipped up the stairs to where Soi was shouting at the top of her lungs into Miboshi's face. "You little floating beep! How many times do I have to tell you to beeping stay away from my makeup!? I don't care if you need it for your beep spells! All of my makeup is imported! Do you know how beeping expensive that is!"  
  
Miboshi took the verbal onslaught without batting an eyelid. "I don't care how beeping expensive it is! It was on my beeping side of the beep bathroom. That makes it beeping mine!"  
  
Meanwhile, Amiboshi was trying with all his might to keep Ashitare from jumping in. Soi was about to slaughter the little demon child-monk-baby- thing when a very erotic moan came from behind Nakago's closed door.  
  
"Oh, Nakago-sama!" The voice was definitely Tomo's.  
  
Soi was livid. "That little beep is in there with my Nakago-sama!"  
  
Miboshi snickered. "Don't worry, Soi. You can always stay with me."  
  
The female seishi raised her hand and summoned forth her lightning powers, frying Miboshi, Nakago's door, and almost half of the house. She raced through Nakago's now open door and jumped on top of the two men currently occupying the bed.  
  
"Hey! Nakago promised to do me this morning!" Miboshi yelled as he floated into the room and on top of Soi.  
  
At that moment, Ashitare's animal instincts took over. The wolf man dashed into Nakago's room and leapt upon the growing number of bodies. Amiboshi just stood in the hallway with a very pale face. Suboshi emerged from the bathroom a moment later. When he saw what was going on in Nakago's room, he hastily turned to his brother.  
  
"Why don't we go get those biscuits now, Aniki?"  
  
"Hai, let's."  
  
Miboshi managed to pull himself out from under Ashitare and called to the twins. "Come on, boys, we're having a bonding session. Care to join us?"  
  
The twins tried to run, but they were too late. Miboshi's powers picked them up and carried both of them into the room. The twins screamed bloody murder as the door locked behind them.  
  
Click  
  
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!" Nuriko shrieked. "A Seiryu orgy is too gross even for me! Let's see if there's anything a little more wholesome on."  
  
**********  
  
Hotohori, wearing a Robin Hood outfit, was riding through Suzakuwood forest on a second hand horse. Sitting behind him were Suboshi, wearing middle- eastern clothes and a turban, and Miaka, in dark sunglasses. They rode up to a stream, not more than a foot or two in width, and stopped. A very brawny looking man with red hair was standing on the only bridge running over the stream. He was holding a large staff and looked very intimidating.  
  
"Dismount!" Hotohori said to his companions. "I'll go make sure it's safe."  
  
The handsome young emperor stepped onto the bridge and casually spoke to the man. "I say, would you mind awfully getting out of the way?"  
  
The red head stood his ground. "I say, not until you pay the toll."  
  
"Toll? What toll?"  
  
"The toll you pay for crossing me bridge," the taller man sounded a bit confused as he gestured to the little wooden bridge.  
  
"I'm not paying any toll!" Hotohori said in surprise. "This bridge is on my family's land! Well, used to be my family's land."  
  
"Hey, you're Hotohori of Konan!" The man smiled and patted Hotohori on the back.  
  
"And whom might you be?" Hotohori asked.  
  
"Oh, they call me Little Tasuki. But don't let my name fool ya. In real life, I'm veeeery big."  
  
"I'll take your word for it. Now let me pass."  
  
Hotohori began to walk past, but Little Tasuki held out a hand and stopped him mid-step. "Uh…no. Sorry. But a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls than we don't eat no rolls." He gave Hotohori a shy smile of triumph. "I made that up."  
  
Hotohori sweatdropped. "That's fascinating, but I'm afraid I'll have to hurt you."  
  
"Oh, my pleasure. Tama!" Little Tasuki yelled into the forest.  
  
Tamahome appeared out of nowhere with another long staff in his hand. He suddenly stopped when he saw Miaka standing next to the horse. With his complete attention on Miaka, Tama's staff hit Hotohori in the head when he threw it.  
  
"Thank you," Hotohori grumbled as he rubbed the growing bump on his forehead.  
  
On the other side of the stream, Suboshi watched with sweatdrops all over his head. "Hey, Miaka."  
  
Miaka turned to him. "Did you say Great Baka?"  
  
Suboshi looked like he was about to throttle the blind girl. "No, I didn't say 'Great Baka', I said 'hey, Miaka'! Hold the reins, woman!"  
  
He shoved the horse's reins into Miaka's hand and walked over to the bridge over the minute stream. "Hey, Hotohori. Hotohori!"  
  
Hotohori raised a finger to pause Tasuki from attacking. "Scuse me."  
  
"No, scuse me," Suboshi grumbled. "Look, man, you don't have to do this. This ain't exactly the Yangzee!" He started to jump from one side of the stream too the other. "I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank." He stood so that one foot was on either side of the stream. "It is not that critical."  
  
"That's not the point, it's the principle of the thing," Hotohori said while Little Tasuki nodded vigorously in the background.  
  
The sweatdrops multiplied on Suboshi's head. "Nice know'n ya."  
  
Corny English fight music began to play as Little Tasuki and Hotohori began to spar with the staffs. Suddenly, both staffs snapped in half. The two men shrugged, threw away on of the halves, and continued fighting. The staffs snapped in half again. They each threw another half away, and continued fighting with foot long staffs. The music sped up as they circled each other with their miniature weapons. All of a sudden, the staffs snapped again. Now they were left with little, six-inch, sticks. The two men shrugged and prepared to fight again. Hotohori whacked one of Little Tasuki's hands. The taller man shook his hand and put it back on the stick. Hotohori whacked the other hand. Again, Little Tasuki shook his hand and put it back on the stick. Hotohori whacked the first hand again with a little smirk of triumph on his face. Little Tasuki shook his hand, again, and put it back on the stick. Hotohori raised the stick again. This time, Tasuki lowered his hands with a "don't you dare" look on his face. So, Hotohori whacked him on the head, and then on the foot. Dazed and in pain, Tasuki lost his balance and fell off the bridge into the chibi stream. Hotohori put his hands on his hips and laughed heartily at his victory. However, he stopped laughing when he heard Little Tasuki screaming.  
  
Little Tasuki was thrashing about in the stream, which couldn't be more than three inches deep. "Help me! I can't fuck'n swim! I'm drowning!"  
  
Hotohori facevaulted and jumped down to help Little Tasuki stand up. The much taller red head screamed like a baby as Hotohori pulled him to his feet.  
  
"You are such a wimp!" Hotohori yelled. "How can you possibly be taken seriously if you can't even stand a few inches of water?"  
  
Little Tasuki's face turned the same color as his hair. "All right already, I know I can't swim! Leave me alone! I didn't expect some kind of Buddhist Inquisition!"  
  
Chichiri, Miboshi, and Tatara suddenly burst through the trees.  
  
Chichiri shouted at the top of his lungs in his bad Spanish accent. "Nobody expects the Buddhist Inquisition no da! Our chief weapon is surprise! That's it, just surprise no da."  
  
"What about fear?" Tatara asked from behind.  
  
"Oh yes, yes all right, surprise and fear."  
  
Miboshi spoke up. "And a fanatical-"  
  
"Shut up no da!" Chichiri hissed. "Right. Tasuki-kun, you are accused of heresy on three counts no da. Hellicy by thought, heresy by word, hellicy by deed, and heresy by act-four, four counts no da! Now, you have one last chance no da. Confess the hanus sin of heresy no da! Reject the works of the ungod-two last chances no da! And you shall be free-three last chances no da! You have three last chances no da! Unrightious creature, how do you plead no da? Ha ha ha ha ha!"  
  
Chichiri stopped when he realized that everyone had left. "Where's everybody gone no da? Cardinal Tatara? Cardinal Tatara?"  
  
Tatara waved from where he was sitting with the others far away from Chichiri. "Oh, sorry man, we were just having some tea with these people."  
  
"Shut up!" Chichiri hissed and walked away.  
  
Miboshi poured himself another cup of tea. "I wonder what's bothering him?"  
  
1.3  
  
1.4 Click  
  
"I'm sick of movies," Nuriko grumbled as he helped himself to another bag of popcorn. "Let's see if there are any music videos on this thing."  
  
**********  
  
Hikitsu and Tomite were standing in the middle of a blizzard in goth style clothing. Very mysterious music began to play as the lights dimmed. Soon, everything glowed with a greenish tint. Both Hikitsu and Tomite raised their heads in unison and began to sing in questionable harmony.  
  
"You only see what you're eyes want to see.  
  
How can life be what you want it to be?  
  
You're frozen,  
  
When your heart's not open."  
  
Without warning, both Genbu seishi were doused with water.  
  
"What the hell!? I just had this stuff dry cleaned!" Tomite yelled.  
  
"Hold on," Hikitsu said nervously. "We're standing in the middle of Hokkan during a blizzard and we're soaked. You know what that means?"  
  
Both of them looked at each other and screamed in unison. "WE'RE FROZEN!!!"  
  
In seconds, the two seishi turned into Genbusicles. Miaka proudly marched up to them with a water bucket in her arms.  
  
"Ha! Now you know what I went through!"  
  
Suzaku no Miko happily began to skip away when she tripped over a snow bank. The water bucket flew into the air and dumped its remaining contents on Miaka's head. In no time, the miko was as frozen as the rest of Hokkan. In the distance, the triumphant screams of many Miaka-haters echoed throughout the Shi Jin Ten Sho.  
  
Click  
  
Nuriko sweatdropped. "Then again, maybe I'd better stay away from the music videos. Let's see, there's gotta be a good movie around here somewhere."  
  
**********  
  
Yui closed her eyes and allowed Suboshi to lead her to the bow of the massive cruise ship. She jumped when her foot bumped against the frontal railing.  
  
"Can I look yet?" she giggled.  
  
"Not yet, Suboshi softly whispered into her ear.  
  
He eased her up onto the railing and gently lifted her arms. Yui smiled as she felt Suboshi hold both of her hands to support her and intertwined their fingers. She trusted Suboshi with her life and knew he would never do anything to put her in danger. A gentle breeze played with her hair and tickled her face.  
  
"All right, you can open your eyes now," Suboshi whispered again. The feeling of his warm breath against her neck made Yui shiver with delight.  
  
Yui opened her eyes and gasped in delight. She was standing on the railing of the ship's bow with nothing in front but ocean. With her arms outstretched, she felt like a free bird.  
  
"I'm flying!" she gasped. "I'm flying!"  
  
At that moment, a very strong gust of wind blew the skirt of Yui's school uniform up, revealing yellow bunny and ducky printed underwear. Suboshi was in such shock at seeing Yui's undergarments that he accidentally let go of her hands.  
  
"You asshole!" Yui screamed as she plummeted into the ocean.  
  
Suboshi frantically looked around to make sure that no one was around the bow of the ship before bolting back to the third class quarters.  
  
Click  
  
Nuriko tossed aside another empty bottle of soda. "Much as I enjoyed that, let's see if there are any decent TV shows on."  
  
The ever-famous Brady Bunch theme filled the air.  
  
"Here's the story, of a Byakko Seishi  
  
Who had three very odd posterity  
  
Only one had a great bod, like her mother  
  
Another eats, another reads."  
  
A photograph appeared on screen. Young Subaru was standing in the center of her living room in a very scandalous dress and surrounded by her three daughters. Soi was in an outfit even more scandalous than her mother's and was daydreaming about Nakago. Miaka was busy stuffing her face with anything edible that she could grab. Next to Miaka, Yui was sitting on the floor with her nose buried in a very thick textbook.  
  
1.4.1 "Here's the story, of a man, Tokaki  
  
Who had three very strange sons of his own  
  
You could hardly say that they were all men  
  
Still Tokaki felt alone"  
  
Another photograph appeared on the TV screen. Tokaki was sitting on a couch with a mischievous smirk on his face as he flexed his muscles. Like Subaru, Tokaki was surrounded by his own kids. Chiriko was absorbed in an ancient scroll, Tomo was drooling all over Nakago, and Nakago was busy devising ways to kill Tomo.  
  
1.4.2 "Till the one day when Subaru met Tokaki  
  
And they knew that it was much more than a hunch  
  
That this group is totally dysfunctional  
  
But they don't care because they are the Seishi Bunch  
  
The Seishi Bunch! The Seishi Bunch!  
  
God help us because they are the Seishi Bunch"  
  
A final photograph came on screen. Subaru and Tokaki were wrapped in each other's arms with very naughty smirks on their faces. Meanwhile, Soi and Tomo were fighting over Nakago. Yui and Chiriko were sitting on the floor, hand in hand, while reading a book about the Spanish Inquisition. Miaka was still stuffing her face. In the background, Mitsukake was wearing an apron and busy cleaning up Miaka's crumbs.  
  
Click  
  
Nuriko's face paled as he grabbed for the remote. "The horror…the horror…" 


	3. More Insanity and the Touching Conclusio...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews everyone. I've got several more stories which I'll post soon.  
  
Chapter 2: More Insanity and the Touching Conclusion  
  
**********  
  
Four figures skipped together down a yellow brick road in the middle of a dark and spooky forest. Miaka was in a blue apron and shiny red slippers. Chichiri was dressed in what looked like silver scrap metal. Tomo wore very baggy and torn clothes with crows circling around his head. Tasuki was dressed as what appeared to be a lion. Tama-neko trotted along behind them.  
  
The four oddly dressed people were saying some sort of bizarre chant that sounded like; "Lions and tigers and bears no da!"  
  
Click  
  
Nuriko sweatdropped. "I'm not even going to bother trying to figure that one out."  
  
**********  
  
Six people in sailor outfits were lying on a little raft that bobbed along the surface of the ocean. All of them were moaning and clutching their stomachs. From his position at the stern of the raft, Tatara could see Hikitsu looking beyond the horizon.  
  
"Still no sign of land? How long has it been?"  
  
"Thirty three days, sir," Hikitsu replied.  
  
Tatara cried out in disbelief. "Thirty three days?"  
  
Hikitsu shook his head in despair. "We can't go on much longer, sir. We haven't eaten since the fifth day."  
  
"We're done for! We're done for!" Miaka whined.  
  
"Shut up, Miaka!" Tatara hissed. "We've just got to keep hoping. Someone may find us."  
  
On the opposite end of the raft, Ashitare was leaning over Chiriko. "How're we feeling, Captain?"  
  
Chiriko groaned as he sat up. "Not too good. I feel so weak."  
  
"We can't hold on much longer," Hikitsu called to Chiriko.  
  
The child prodigy crossed his arms and stiffened his upper lip. "Listen, chaps, there's still a chance. I'm done for. I've got a gammy leg and I'm going fast. I'll never get through, but some of you might. So…you'd better eat me."  
  
"Eat you, sir?" Hikitsu cried out in disbelief.  
  
"Yes, eat me," Chiriko nodded.  
  
"Eugh! With a gammy leg!?" Ashitare's face twisted in disgust.  
  
Chiriko snapped back at the wolf man. "You wouldn't eat the leg, Ashitare, there's still plenty of good meat. Look at that arm!"  
  
"It's not just the leg, sir." Miaka muttered.  
  
"What do you mean?" Chiriko glared.  
  
"Well sir, it's just that…" Suzaku no Miko trailed off.  
  
"Why don't you want to eat me?"  
  
"I'd rather eat Amiboshi, sir," she blurted out.  
  
"So would I, sir," Ashitare piped up.  
  
"I see…" Chiriko now glared at the final member of the group.  
  
"Well, it's settled then. Everyone's gonna eat me!" Amiboshi smiled cheerfully.  
  
Tatara looked less than pleased. "Oh…well…"  
  
Hikitsu looked up. "What sir?"  
  
"Oh go ahead, please. But I won't…"  
  
Amiboshi offered an arm to Tatara. "Oh nonsense, sir, you're starving. Tuck in!"  
  
"No, no, it's not that."  
  
"What's the matter with Amiboshi, sir?" Ashitare asked.  
  
"Well, he's not kosher."  
  
"That depends how we kill him, sir." Miaka started rummaging through a supply bag for a knife, or gun, or something to bump Amiboshi off with.  
  
"Yes, that's true," Hikitsu agreed as he helped Miaka look for some form of weapon.  
  
"But to be perfectly frank," Tatara continued. "I…I like my meat a little more lean. I'd rather eat Hikitsu."  
  
Hikitsu shrugged his shoulders indifferently. "Oh well, all right."  
  
"I'd still prefer Amiboshi," Miaka pouted.  
  
"I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me," Chiriko grumbled under his breath.  
  
Hikitsu stood up and addressed the entire group. "Look, I tell you what. Those who want to can eat Amiboshi, and you, sir, can have my leg, and we'll make some stock from the captain, and then we'll have Amiboshi cold for supper."  
  
The others nodded and voiced their agreement before looking for any tools of death that they could find.  
  
"What do you think, Ashitare?" Miaka asked the wolf man who hadn't said anything.  
  
"I think…" Ashitare trailed off as he advanced toward the others. "I'll just eat all of you!"  
  
Click  
  
"Gross! I don't think I've ever seen that much blood since Ashitare killed me!" Nuriko shrieked. Bored with the programming, he rapidly flipped through the channels. "There's gotta be something halfway decent on…hold it!" He switched back to a channel he had passed earlier. A figure covered from head to toe in black armor with bright blonde hair sticking out from under his helmet was fighting a very handsome man with waist length brown hair. "Cute guy alert!"  
  
**********  
  
Hotohori Skywalker battled for his life against Darth Nakago on the narrow catwalk inside Cloud City. The air filled with crackling and hissing sounds as their two lightsabers crashed together. Hotohori knew that one false step would mean falling to his doom. Failure to block one of Darth Nakago's attacks would cost him his life. Darth Nakago could feel Hotohori begin to tire out from the intensity of the battle.  
  
"Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi-Wan did, boy," Darth Nakago's lifeless voice hissed through his facemask.  
  
Hotohori refused to give up. He poured all of his strength into keeping himself alive. He suddenly hesitated. Darth Nakago took full advantage of the situation and, with one swipe of his lightsaber, sliced Hotohori's hair off at the neck. Hotohori stumbled backwards in pain. His hair, his beautiful hair, was gone. He staggered backwards to the edge of the catwalk blankly.  
  
Darth Nakago lowered his lightsaber and held out a hand to Hotohori who was cowering in fear. "Hotohori, join me and together we can end this destructive conflict between us."  
  
Even though he was still in shock from the drastic haircut, Hotohori answered in a very shaky voice. "I'll never join you!"  
  
"Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father."  
  
"He told me enough," Hotohori growled while trying to hold back the lump in his throat. "He told me you killed him."  
  
"No," Darth Nakago replied firmly. "I am your father!"  
  
Hotohori's eyes widened in shock. "My father is BLONDE!? NOOOOOOO!!!!!"  
  
Click  
  
Nuriko began to sob uncontrollably. "Poor, poor Hotohori Skywalker. How could that horrible guy in a tasteless outfit cut such beautiful hair? There's no way that such a handsome man could be the son of such a tacky dresser!" Sniffling, Nuriko changed the channel.  
  
**********  
  
"It's 'Tasuki's World', 'Tasuki's World', Party Time, Excellent! WHOOOOO!!"  
  
Tasuki and Tomite were sitting on a set that looked like somebody's basement. Tasuki was wearing a black tee shirt and jeans ripped at the knees. His red hair was sticking out from under a black "Tasuki's World" hat. Tomite was in a short sleeved plaid shirt with a white tee shirt underneath, and ripped jeans as well. Tomite was also wearing a long, messy blonde wig and nerdy black glasses.  
  
"All right, excellent," Tasuki replied as he put his guitar away. "Welcome to 'Tasuki's World'. I'm Tasuki and with me is always Tomite."  
  
"Party on, Tasuki."  
  
"Party on, Tomite. Tonight, we have one of the hottest babes in the history of ancient China."  
  
"Yeah, if she were president she'd be Baberham Lincoln."  
  
"All right, please welcome Soi!"  
  
Tasuki ripped out a few heavy metal chords as Soi came down the stairs in a halter-top and tight leather pants and sat down on the couch next to Tomite.  
  
Tomite leaned over and whispered to Tasuki, who was trying to stop his nose from bleeding. "Oh man, she is so hot. I think I'm gonna hurl."  
  
Tasuki whispered back. "Then hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back to you, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be."  
  
"Are you boys going to ask me some questions or not? Or do you just want to kill me again, Tasuki?" Soi asked in an annoyed fashion.  
  
"Yes," Tasuki replied nervously as he pulled out a cue card. "Soi, do you believe the rumor that bra's cause breast cancer?"  
  
Soi snorted in disgust. "How should I know? I've never worn a bra before in my life."  
  
Tomite's hands trembled as he stared at Soi's promiscuous bust. "You can say that again."  
  
Meanwhile, Tasuki had passed out from blood loss in his nose. In a very cheap dream sequence, he was dancing in a field of phono records with a pink cow in an orange sweater that had a chibi Tasuki printed on the front.  
  
"Oi, Tasuki!" Tomite's voice brought Tasuki back to his senses. "Don't you think we should share the wealth?" He gestured towards Soi's chest.  
  
"Indeed, my friend. In fact, let's show this to the viewers at home. EXTREME CLOSE-UP!!!!"  
  
Click  
  
"Ugh, it's no wonder kids are so corrupted these days," Nuriko grumbled. "Still, she does have a nice-ACK! Don't think about her, Nuriko!" the violet haired seishi reached into a hidden pocket and pulled out an eight- by-ten glossy of Hotohori and started to drool over it. "It's OK! I still love you Hotohori-sama!"  
  
**********  
  
"Welcome back to 'The Jerry Springer Show'. Today's topic is 'I'm-Sleeping- With-Someone-A-Lot-Better-Than-You-Could-Ever-Hope-To-Be. Right now, we've got Yui here with her ex boyfriend, Suboshi."  
  
Behind Jerry, Yui sat in a chair with a very dirty grin on her face. Suboshi just looked pale.  
  
"Why, Yui-sama?" Suboshi pleaded with puppy dog eyes. "You know how much I love you. I worship the ground you walk on. Why would you do this to me?"  
  
Yui exploded. "Are you kidding? You never take me anywhere nice! Our last date was to a yo-yo museum!"  
  
"Ooooooooh!" The audience groaned sympathetically.  
  
"It doesn't stop there!" Yui continued. "In all the time we've been together, you've never mentioned sex once! I'm a woman! I do have needs you know!"  
  
"Would you like to respond to that last comment, sir?" Jerry handed the mic to Tamahome.  
  
"Yeah I wanna say something," Tamahome growled at Suboshi. "Yui needs a real man. That's why she always comes to my place after every date she has with you. Forget Miaka, I'm all the man that Yui needs."  
  
"What the hell do you know!?" Nakago yelled as he stood up in the audience. "She might sleep with you now, but I'm the one that got it on with her every night since she first arrived in Kutou."  
  
"Yui-sama?" Suboshi yelled as he fell out of his chair.  
  
Yui shrugged. "So what? The way you guys screw leaves a lot to be desired."  
  
"Oooooooh!" The audience gasped.  
  
Yui smile devilishly at the three stunned guys staring at her with wide eyes. "I've finally found someone who's a tiger under the sheets."  
  
"Who?" Tamahome bellowed. "Who is it? I'll kill him!"  
  
"If you kill him, you'll be killing one of your allies," Yui replied matter- of-factly.  
  
"I knew it!" Nakago yelled. "It's Tasuki or that horny emperor of Konan!"  
  
"While we're on the subject," Jerry interrupted. "Why don't we bring out Yui's new lover. Everyone please welcome…Mitsukake!"  
  
The audience didn't respond as Mitsukake stepped on stage and sat next to Yui. The audience was too busy facevaulting to say anything. Mitsukake took full advantage of the silence, and immediately started groping Yui as she kissed him sensually.  
  
Suboshi, Tamahome, and Nakago finally recovered from the shock. Suboshi summoned forth his yo-yos of doom ™ while both Nakago and Tamahome's symbols began to glow on their foreheads.  
  
"You asshole!" They shouted together.  
  
Mitsukake rolled his eyes at them and mumbled. "I didn't expect some kind of Buddhist inquisition."  
  
With a loud crash, Chichiri, Miboshi, and Tatara burst through the scenery and on to the stage.  
  
"Who said that no da?" Chichiri demanded.  
  
"What?" Mitsukake muttered.  
  
Chichiri cut him off. "Don't play games with me no da! Our weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the four-ooooooh! Ah, Cardinal Miboshi no da?"  
  
"Here lord," Miboshi floated up to Chichiri.  
  
"There's only one thing to do no da. We must torture him and obtain a signed-two! Two things to do no da. One: torture no da. Two: obtain a signed confession no da. And three: nothing! There is no third thing no da! Is that clear no da? Miboshi?"  
  
"Yes, lord?"  
  
"We have to extricate the truth from this unbeliever on pain of torture no da! Get…The Comfy Chair no da!"  
  
"The Comfy Chair!" Miboshi gasped.  
  
"The Comfy Chair?" Tatara turned pale.  
  
"The Comfy Chair!" Yui squeaked as she pulled her shirt off.  
  
"The Comfy Chair?" Mitsukake shrugged as he unsnapped Yui's bra in front of the audience.  
  
"The Comfy Chair!" Tamahome and Nakago cried as they began to grope each other.  
  
"The Comfy Chair!" The audience screamed as a fistfight broke out in the front row.  
  
Click  
  
"While they're all saying the comfy chair, I'll see what else is on."  
  
**********  
  
The deep blackness of space appeared on screen. Thousands of tiny stars twinkled in the background. Suddenly, a ship shaped like Suzaku came bolting across the screen. As the camera followed the ship, Hotohori's voice could be heard.  
  
"Emperor's log, entry twenty hundred something. We, the crew of the S.S. Chicken of Doom, are on a five-year mission to boldly go where no sane person has ever gone before. Of course, all that I care about now is finding the best beauty salon in the universe. Anyway, we have recently entered some uncharted galaxy. Whoopdie-do. I'll bet the inhabitants of this system have never seen such beauty as mine before." Something made a thumping noise as it whacked Hotohori on the head. "Ouch! That hurt! I am going to have a lump there now, Tamahome! Getting back to business, we have recently received reports of Seiryu warships in this area. I really hope they don't find us, though. I can't stand to see anything that hideous! Hey! Give my log back to me, Tasuki! Don't do that, it is mine! No wait! Don't throw it into the garbage compactor! Aw shit!"  
  
Within the interior of the Chicken of Doom, the Suzaku seishi, along with their miko, were hard at work at different stations. Well, some of them were working. Miaka was eating as usual and Tasuki was just pressing random buttons. Hotohori sat in the command chair, gazing at his reflection in one of many hand mirrors. Without warning, the ship suddenly shook violently and red lights started to flash. Hotohori yelped as his mirror fell between the cushions of his seat.  
  
"Whatever it is, I didn't do it!" Tasuki called from his seat.  
  
"Hotohori!" Miaka squealed through a mouthful of food. "There's a Seiryu warship on the starboard bow!"  
  
Hotohori frowned. "What do you make of this, Mr. Chichiri?"  
  
Chichiri, now with pointy ears, kept his face neutral and his voice in monotone. "It would appear that we have been ambushed, Heika no da."  
  
"Indeed…" Hotohori mumbled to himself. "Tamahome, set up communications with the enemy ship."  
  
"Hai," Tamahome replied as he pressed some random buttons.  
  
On the screen in front of them, Tomo, Miboshi, and Ashitare appeared.  
  
Tomo glared at the Suzaku seishi through the screen. "Crew of the S.S. Chicken of Doom, we, the great Seiryu seishi, demand that you surrender to us at once. If you do not, we will have no choice but to fire our death ray at you. Of course, we don't really want you to surrender. We like to blow things up. Kekekeke!"  
  
Hotohori glanced over at the ship's doctor. "What do you think, Dr. Mitsukake? I believe a little rouge and a decent hair stylist could fix those guys right up."  
  
"Dammit, Heika, I'm a doctor, not a beautician!"  
  
Hotohori turned back to the screen. "Very well, you leave us no choice but to fight man to…whatever." He pressed a speaker button on his chair. "Chiriko, beam me up!"  
  
"Aye, Heika-sama!" Chiriko's voice, in a cheap Scottish accent, came through the speaker.  
  
A bright red light surrounded Hotohori, and he instantly vanished. The three Seiryu seishi looked around, but Hotohori was nowhere to be found on their ship.  
  
"What's going on?" Tomo demanded.  
  
"Relax," Chiriko suddenly appeared on the bridge of the Chicken of Doom. "I just sent him to a galaxy far far away. Maybe he'll meet his father while he's gone."  
  
All of the seishi, both Suzaku and Seiryu, began to cheer.  
  
Chichiri sat down in the captain's chair. "As the oldest of the Suzaku, I appoint myself the new captain no da. Would you three Seiryu seishi like to join us for some tea and cookies no da?"  
  
On screen, Tomo's eyes filled with tears. "No one has ever invited me over for tea and cookies before. This is the happiest day of my life! We'll be right over."  
  
"Now that that's settled, lets head to Sirius no da. Those people are always partying no da."  
  
The crew cheered and formed a conga line with Tomo in the lead.  
  
Click  
  
"Ok, that show defies any logical explanation I can think of. I might as well try the music videos again. Who knows, I might just find something decent this time."  
  
**********  
  
Inside a techno club, brightly colored lights were flashing. Upbeat Latino music blared through at least ten giant speakers that reached up to the ceiling. Subaru, Soi, Yui, and Miaka were dancing very around sensually in very revealing tube tops and mini skirts on a little stage in the center of the club. Tokaki, dressed in a loose black shirt and tight black pants, danced along with Subaru as he sang.  
  
"She's into superstition,  
  
Black cats and voodoo dolls.  
  
I feel a premonition,  
  
That girl's gonna make me fall."  
  
As Tokaki sang, the four ladies started to dance more exotically. Meanwhile, Tokaki was suddenly drenched in water that was thrown from behind the scenes.  
  
1.1.1 "She'll make you take your clothes off  
  
And go dancing in the rain.  
  
She'll make you live her crazy life  
  
And she'll take away your pain  
  
Like a bullet to your brain!"  
  
Subaru and Tokaki suddenly started to do the most erotic dance together. Thankfully, no clothes came off.  
  
1.1.2 "Upside, inside out  
  
She's living la vida loca!  
  
She'll push and pull you down  
  
Living la vida loca!  
  
Her lips are devil red  
  
And her skin's the color, moca!  
  
She will wear you out  
  
Living la vida loca!"  
  
Subaru suddenly stopped dancing.  
  
"Wait a minute, I don't look like what you described!"  
  
Meanwhile, Tokaki had slipped away and started dancing even more erotically than before with Soi. This time, Tokaki's shirt had mysteriously disappeared. Subaru glared at her husband and proceeded to smack the living daylights out of him. While that was going on, Miaka tripped over her feet and crashed into Yui. Both of the mikos fell over, which resulted in their skirts flying up. Soi just kept dancing.  
  
Click  
  
"Ok, I was wrong. All of the music videos suck! Wait a minute, I haven't seen any cartoons yet."  
  
**********  
  
"Buzz Buzz Buzz,"  
  
The smiley face phone was ringing. Tamahome, Chiriko, and Nakago leapt out of bed. Each of them was a in different colored dress with their hair done in cute little girl styles. Nakago, in a tiny pink dress, pulled his long hair back into a pony tail and secured it with a pretty little heart clip before picking up the phone.  
  
"Powerpuff hotline…" Nakago answered in a sweet soprano voice. "What? We'll be right there, Miss Subaru!"  
  
Nakago turned to Tamahome, in a green dress, and Chiriko, in pigtails and a blue dress, "Let's go!"  
  
In a flash of pink, green, and blue, the three juvenile super heroes crashed through the roof and flew to the center of Townsville. They arrived in the Mayor's office, now in shambles, a few seconds later. Miss Subaru, the Mayor's secretary was waiting for them.  
  
"Thank goodness you're here, girls. The Mayor was kidnapped while I was writing out his latest speech. I don't know where he is or who kidnapped him."  
  
"Relax," Tamahome cracked his knuckles. "We'll find the kidnapper. Then we'll smash and punch and smack and crash and then he'll be sorry."  
  
"Nakago raised a hand. "Hold on, Tamahome. We can't just go around Townsville and destroy everything."  
  
"Yes we can."  
  
"No we can't."  
  
"Yes we can."  
  
"No we can't."  
  
While the two siblings argued, Chiriko was engaged in a very stimulating conversation with a squirrel that looked surprisingly like Tama-neko.  
  
"Cheep cheep cheep."  
  
"Cheep cheep cheep cheep."  
  
"Cheep cheep."  
  
"Cheep cheep cheep."  
  
"Cheep cheep cheep."  
  
"Cheep."  
  
"Cheep cheep?"  
  
"Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep."  
  
"Cheep."  
  
"Um…Chiriko…" Tamahome sweatdropped. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Chiriko smiled. "The squirrel just told me that Miboshi Jojo kidnapped the Mayor and is now holding him in the observatory on the volcano in the middle of the park." He turned back to the squirrel. "Cheep cheep cheep."  
  
"Cheep cheep cheep cheep."  
  
"Cheep cheep."  
  
  
  
"Cheep cheep cheep?"  
  
  
  
"Cheep."  
  
Chiriko turned back to the others. "And the squirrel now knows that the three of us are really guys.  
  
  
  
Click  
  
"Geeze," Nuriko sweatdropped. "Are there any kiddy shows out there that don't involve cross dressers. Not that there's anything wrong with cross dressing."  
  
**********  
  
Amiboshi popped up on screen in a press trench coat. "Hi-ho! Amiboshi the Seiryu here! Today's show is brought to you by the character 'oni'."  
  
In the background, Tasuki fried Tamahome with his tessen, causing the blue- haired seishi's symbol to flare up on his forehead. Tasuki was then blown away.  
  
Amiboshi, looking more than a bit frightened, came back on the screen. "Uh…right. Now let's go to Big Bird for a fun song that's all about the color yellow!"  
  
Cheerful music started to play. Little yellow birds appeared in a banana tree and began to sing while the bananas themselves hummed along. Big Bird suddenly ran across the screen with a very hungry Ashitare snapping at his heels.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaahhh!" Big Bird screamed. "Somebody help meeeeeeee!"  
  
Tomite poked his head out of a trash can behind the banana tree. "Quiet! You're screaming is interrupting my grouchiness!"  
  
Mitsukake lumbered on screen in a very hairy brown costume with a brown trunk tied to his face. "Please don't fight you guys. Someone always gets hurt. Isn't that right, Count Von Tokaki?"  
  
Tokaki, in a vampire costume, was too busy counting the women in his Playboy magazine to respond. "One woman, two women, three women, four women, five women! Ah ha ha ha!"  
  
Amidst the chaos in the background, Tomo appeared on screen. "If you've enjoyed this song and would like to hear more high quality music, then you will love the new 'Songs of the Buddhist Inquisition'."  
  
Chichiri, Tatara, and Miboshi scrambled on screen, running over Tomo in the process. Chichiri and Tatara linked arms and performed a poorly choreographed kick line while Miboshi clapped his hands to some fast, but unheard, rhythm. The three of them sang together in a harmony that would blow out a dog's eardrums.  
  
"Itooshi hito no tame ni, ima nani ga dekiruka na? Kanawanai yume wa nai yo! Massugu ni shinjiteru! Hey!"  
  
Click  
  
"That was beyond disturbing," Nuriko grumbled.  
  
"Nuriko! What the hell is going on here!"  
  
Nuriko found himself staring directly into Taiitskun's haggard face.  
  
"What do you mean, Taiitskun?" The cross dresser asked; the perfect picture of innocence.  
  
The goddess' frown deepened. "I just found out from Genbu that the other seishi were zapped into the TV because of 'divine' intervention. And yet you are just sitting here on your butt and stuffing your face. Didn't you even notice that the others were gone?"  
  
"I thought it was a little too quiet in here."  
  
"Oh never mind. I guess it's up to me to get them all out."  
  
"Wait, Taiitskun! Can't I just watch one more show?" Nuriko pleaded with puppy dog eyes.  
  
The goddess sweatdropped. "Fine."  
  
**********  
  
As the sun peeked up on the horizon, a choir of trumpets began to play a few chords. Upon hitting the third chord, an entire symphony blasted two chords in response. This pattern of music moved up the scale as twenty figures traveled down a steep and rocky cliff. All of them were Neanderthals; the beginning of human evolution. They were all different looking. Their hair ranged from long brown or white to bright orange or blue with gravity defying bangs. They came to a stop in front of a huge black monolith, hidden in the shadows of the vanishing night.  
  
The sun rose higher and the shadows around the monolith began to fade. All twenty savages screamed and beat the ground with bone clubs as the monolith's true shape was revealed to be…a giant statue of Taiitskun.  
  
"What the hell do you all think you're doing!?" the statue suddenly bellowed.  
  
Everyone screamed and ran. In a flash of light, they were in a pile back in Taiitskun's palace; with Nuriko on the bottom.  
  
"Nuriko!" Miaka squeaked. "Where've you been?"  
  
"Yeah, a-ho!" Tasuki growled. "Where were you while the rest of us were going through hell inside that thing?"  
  
"Oh I see," Suboshi snatched the remote out of Nuriko's hand. "You were just sitting on your butt, watching us."  
  
"Hey, come on!" Nuriko shoved the others off of himself. "I didn't know how to get you guys out of there. So, I had to let Taiitskun take care of it. After all, I'm only a ghost. Geeze, you guys should at least be thankful for getting out of there. I didn't expect some kind of Buddhist Inquisition."  
  
Chichiri jumped to his feet. "Nnnnnnnoooooooooobody expects-"  
  
"Shut up!" Everyone yelled at once.  
  
In a few minutes, everyone was settled around the room, channel surfing. That is, everyone except Nuriko and Chichiri. Both were bound and gagged in the back of the room, feebly trying to ward off the masses of Nyan- Nyans.  
  
  
  
More Author's Notes: OK. This is the list of all the stuff I used in this fic that I don't own. They belong to all the wonderful screen writers, producers, directors, and other lucky people who own them.  
  
1)"Who Wants To Be a Millionaire"  
  
2)"The Spanish Inquisition" Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 (The Comfy Chair), and Revisited from "Monty Python's Flying Circus" ( I used the version from the two CD set "Monty Python: The final rip off", not the actual Spanish Inquisition episode)  
  
4)"The Matrix"  
  
5)"The Real World"  
  
6)"Robin Hood: Men In Tights"  
  
7)"Frozen" by Madonna  
  
8)"Titanic"  
  
9)"The Brady Bunch"  
  
10)"The Wizard of Oz"  
  
11)"Cannibalism" from Monty Python's Flying Circus (I got this one off of the Monty Python CDs as well. I've never seen the actual skit, but I thought it was too funny to leave out)  
  
12)"The Empire Strikes Back"  
  
13)"Wayne's World"  
  
14)"The Jerry Springer Show"  
  
15)"Star Trek"  
  
16)"Livin La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin"  
  
17)"The Powerpuff Girls"  
  
18)"Sesame Street"  
  
19)"2001: A Space Odyssey"  
  
On the other hand, I do own the pink cow in an orange sweater with a chibi Tasuki on the front. I have a picture of it hanging up in my room. 


End file.
